


The Pain of Feeling

by disturbinglynic



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-29
Updated: 2012-02-29
Packaged: 2017-10-31 21:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disturbinglynic/pseuds/disturbinglynic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reaper AU. Wesley is a reaper and he has to claim Will's soul, but not for a week. For the first time in a very long time Wesley actually feels something. Is an eternity of pain worth the one week of happiness?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pain of Feeling

**Author's Note:**

>   
> 
> 
>   
>  Art by [punk4life1315](http://punk4life1315.livejournal.com/)

It wasn’t often that there was this much advance notice. Normally he only had a day, maybe two. It was always interesting to watch the ones that he knew about a week in advance. 

 

This time, though, this time he wished he hadn’t had the advance notice. It wasn’t fair. It was like some cruel joke the universe was playing on him. So long he had been with nothing, and now _everything_ was staring him in the face and no matter what happened, there could only be one way this ended, and it wouldn’t be a happy ending.

 

This wasn’t supposed to happen to him. This would change everything. He needed to get away from here. He needed time to think. If he made the most of the situation, he would hurt worse in the end, he would be the one to suffer for all eternity, but how could he deny this, and not just for him?

 

He left the house and the man lying in bed and went to a nearby park, sitting on a bench in front of a pond. He needed to think. 

 

He wasn’t supposed to feel. Feeling would only make his job harder. How could you reap a soul if you felt bad for the person whose soul you were reaping? He had always been able to keep a distance. He hadn’t felt anything since he was human, and he hadn’t been human for an incredibly long time.

 

Even as a human, though, he had never felt anything so powerful as this. This was what people sought after their entire lives, and now Wesley had found it. At least he had found it on his part. There was no telling how the man would feel. He’d probably just be happy to have anyone paying attention to him at this point.

 

Wesley could give that to him. Wesley could make his last week a happy one, one that Will would enjoy. Will would be able to leave this life with a smile on his face. Wesley, on the other hand, would have to live with a love lost for all eternity. He would have to live with the one week that he had with Will. He would feel the pain of that loss forever, but at least he would feel that happiness forever as well.

 

There was really only one choice here, and not just for Will. He had never known the touch of another. He had never even been kissed. He wanted this. He would just have to live with the consequences.

 

Wesley left the park and appeared in Will’s room again. He stayed unseen to Will, just observing the man for a while. 

 

Will was alone, propped up in bed and watching television. He looked so sad, like he had already given up on life. And there was no way that he knew he only had a week left to live.

 

Wesley waited until a commercial was on, took a deep breath, and appeared to Will. Instead of freaking out, Will just looked at him and then turned his attention back to the television.

 

“Have you come for me?” he asked.

 

“No.”

 

“Yet you’re here. Must be close then. So tell me, how long do I have left?”

 

“A week.”

 

“So why appear to me now?”

 

“You looked so sad and alone.”

 

Will snorted. “So what, you thought you would keep me company for the week?”

 

Wesley didn’t answer him. Will turned to look at him. “You did, didn’t you?”

 

Wesley still didn’t answer him. Will let out a sigh. “What’s your name?”

 

“Wesley.”

 

“Well, Wesley, why don’t you come have a seat next to me and we can watch some crappy TV together.”

 

Wesley sat on the edge of the bed, not really sure if he should sit right next to Will. This was all new to him.

 

Will patted the spot right next to him. “You don’t need to sit all the way over there. Come here and get comfortable. I don’t bite. Promise.”

 

Wesley looked at him, confused, but he moved over to where Will had patted and tried to make himself comfortable. He could see Will smirking at him, though he was trying to hide it.

 

They watched TV in silence for a few minutes, but Wesley wanted to know why Will hadn’t freaked.

 

“Will, you didn’t freak out when I showed myself to you. Why not?”

 

Will shrugged. “I know I’m dying and I know I don’t have as long as the doctors keep telling me. I can just feel it. I’ve always believed in the supernatural. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. Where you were standing earlier, I could have sworn I felt a presence there. Then you showed yourself. At least I know I’m not crazy. Unless of course you aren’t really here. I might be talking to nothing right now. You could just be a figment of my imagination.”

 

Wesley reached out a hand and touched Will’s shoulder. “I’m definitely here. You’re not crazy.”

 

Will offered him a smile and Wesley pulled his hand away. 

 

“So then I guess the reason you didn’t freak out when I told you you had a week left is because you figured you’d be going sooner anyway.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Still, to take all of this so calmly? People usually don’t.”

 

Will shrugged and turned his attention back to the television. They had only been watching for a few minutes when he heard Will’s breathing even out. He looked over at Will and saw that he was sleeping.

 

Wesley didn’t know if he should stay in bed while Will was sleeping or if he should move to the chair next to the bed. He could move so that he wouldn’t disturb Will, but he found that he didn’t really want to. He settled more comfortably in the bed and watched some more television while he waited for Will to wake up.

 

Hours passed before Will finally stirred. He turned to Wesley and gave him a sheepish grin. “Sorry. I tend to sleep a lot these days.”

 

“It’s not a problem. Though maybe I should leave you so you can get your rest.”

 

“What’s the point? I’m gonna die in a week anyway. Why should I rest? I should want to spend my week enjoying it, right?”

 

“You still need sleep though.”

 

“If I agree to this, then will you come see me again tomorrow?”

 

Wesley smiled at him. “You want me to come see you again? “

 

Will laughed. “Yeah. So far you’ve been better company than anyone else who has visited since I got sick.”

 

“We didn’t do anything. You slept.”

 

Will shrugged. “It was still good.”

 

“Okay. I’ll come see you tomorrow then.”

 

Will smiled but his eyes were already closing, so Wesley vanished, staying hidden from everyone as he walked through the park he had been sitting in earlier. Will had wanted to see him again. That made him feel good. It made him feel better about his decision to show himself to Will.

 

*****

Wesley and Will were sitting on Will’s bed and they were laughing. It was good to see Will laugh. He had only shown himself to Will yesterday, and he had been sad yesterday and all of this morning. As they had continued talking throughout the morning though, Will had loosened up and they had really started enjoying themselves.

 

Will had just finished half a sandwich and they were lounging in Will’s bed. Will didn’t leave his bed often. Mostly just to use the restroom or get some food. Wesley had fixed Will’s food for him today though. Will had entertained him with stories from his teenage years and his college years.

 

“If I asked you would tell me about it, would you tell me about what it’s like being a reaper?”

 

Wesley shrugged. “There’s not really much to tell.”

 

“Do you ever feel bad about having to take someone’s soul? Especially if they still have so much life left they could live?”

 

“I don’t feel.” That was normally true. It was an obvious lie this time though, and Will grinned at him. “I guess there’s always an exception to the rule,” he stated.

 

Wesley smiled and looked away. 

 

“What do you do when you’re not reaping souls? I mean you’ve been here all morning. Don’t you have any souls to reap?”

 

“I do. Not until later though. I’ve been known to hang around the library between reapings though.”

 

“I enjoy reading. I haven’t been able to read much these days though. I get tired too easily and I find it hard to focus.”

 

“I could read to you.”

 

“Yeah? That would be nice.”

 

“Is there a book in particular you would like me to read?”

 

Will pointed at a stack of books on the nightstand. “Any of those. Take your pick.”

 

Wesley grabbed a book from the selection and began reading to Will. He was pleasantly surprised when Will curled up against him and threw an arm around his waist.

 

Wesley tried hard to not like it as much as he did. No matter what, this couldn’t last. He could already feel himself aching with the loss.

 

*****

It was the beginning of his third day with Will. After reading to Will for a bit yesterday, he had had to leave so that he could actually reap a few souls like he was supposed to.

 

He had already made sure that Will had gotten his breakfast, and now they were just relaxing. A knock at the front door sounded and then it opened, a woman’s voice calling out to Will. Will let out a groan. “That’s Deanna,” he explained. “She’s my ex-girlfriend and when she found out I was sick, she took it upon herself to take care of me since I don’t have any family. At least no family that I talk to.”

 

Deanna walked in and Will glanced at Wesley.

 

“Don’t worry. She can’t see me or hear me. Unless you want her to see me.”

 

Will gave a tiny shake of his head. “How are you, Deanna?”

 

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. How are you doing? You look better than I’ve seen you in a long time.”

 

“Yeah, I’m doing great.”

 

Wesley listened as Deanna and Will talked, but he couldn’t take much of it. He couldn’t believe that Will used to be with her.

 

“You really used to sleep with her? I didn’t realize that you liked them without brains. I mean after the conversations we’ve been having, I would have thought you would need someone who would give you more mental stimulation.”

 

Will was biting down on his lip, trying not to laugh. 

 

“You know, she’s not even really that pretty either. Although I guess I’m not sure what you would consider me either. I guess I’m cute, but I don’t know. I suppose it’s also possible that you wouldn’t know what to label me either because maybe you’re not into guys.”

 

Will was biting down harder on his lip. He looked like he wasn’t going to be able to hold it in much longer.

 

“Would you rather spend the rest of your week with her or me?”

 

Will cleared his throat. “Deanna, I’m getting kind of sleepy.”

 

“Well I’ll just go downstairs and take care of a few things.”

 

“Deanna, you don’t need to stay here.”

 

“It’s really not a big deal.”

 

“I could just appear right now and she would probably run screaming from the room.”

 

Will let out a snort.

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

“Deanna, would you please just leave? I’m fine, really.”

 

Deanna glared at him but left the room. Will waited until they heard the front door close before turning to Wesley. “Are you ticklish?”

 

Wesley frowned. “I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

 

Will dug his fingers into Wesley’s side and Wesley let out a squeak. Will didn’t let up though, and Wesley couldn’t stop laughing. “That’s what you get for almost making me laugh in front of Deanna, you little brat.”

 

Will stopped tickling him and they were left staring at each other. Wesley took in a deep breath. Will was just inches from him. All he had to do was move forward just a bit and they would be kissing.

 

Will pulled away though and lie back down next to him. “Thanks for that though. She’s actually been becoming kind of a pain.”

 

“Can I ask, what did you ever see in her?”

 

Will shook his head. “I really don’t know. You’re more my type.”

 

“My personality or the fact that I’m a guy?”

 

Will chuckled. “Both, actually.”

 

“So you prefer men over women.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You weren’t really lying to Deanna though. You’re tired. You should take a nap.”

 

“Will you be here when I wake up?”

 

Wesley nodded. “I’ll be here. Sleep.”

 

He waited until Will fell asleep before leaving. He had a few souls that he needed to reap, but he would be back before Will woke up.

 

*****

Wesley was cleaning up the dishes that they had used for dinner. He had been back way before Will had woken up from his nap. He had been hungry so Wesley had heated up some food for himself. He didn’t really know how to cook and there was really no point in him learning.

 

Wesley headed back upstairs when he had finished and climbed into bed with Will, grabbing the book they had been reading through. Will took the book out of Wesley’s hand and pulled Wesley to him.

 

“Will?”

 

“Do you not want me to?”

 

“You know I do. I just… would you be doing this at any other time, or is this just because you’re dying?”

 

“I told you earlier that you’re my type.”

 

Wesley raised his eyebrows.

 

“Okay, look, I’ve had more fun with you in the past few days than I’ve had in a very long time, and that’s including before I found out that I was sick.”

 

“It’s only for a few days you know.”

 

“Yeah, I know. I’m more worried about you though. If you feel as strongly as I do… this is something you’re going to have to live with forever, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah. I wouldn’t have shown myself to you though if I hadn’t been sure about this and about how I feel.”

 

Will leaned in and pressed their lips together. A shiver ran through Wesley’s body. Just that simple kiss had been incredible. 

 

“Wesley,” Will murmured against his lips, “was that your first kiss?”

 

Wesley nodded.

 

Will kissed him again. This time was different though. He mimicked what Will was doing, losing himself in the feel of Will’s lips against his own. Will’s hands were roaming over his body and Wesley was doing the same. He pressed himself even closer to Will.

 

Will let out a groan and then his tongue was pressing against Wesley’s lips. Instinctively Wesley parted his lips. Wesley let out his own groan when Will’s tongue touched his own.

 

He felt Will’s fingers run through his hair and let out a sigh into Will’s mouth. He could feel Will smile against his lips. Wesley pulled out of the kiss to look at Will. Will looked happy, happier than he had been since Wesley had first seen him three days ago. Wesley smiled and pressed his nose into Will’s neck, sighing. Will tightened his hold on Wesley and kissed the top of his head. 

 

Wesley could get used to this. It’s just too bad that he wasn’t going to get the chance to do that.

 

*****

They spent the next couple of days doing a lot of talking and a lot of making out. Will told him things that he claimed to have never told anyone else, and Wesley believed that. Wesley wished he had more to tell Will but he didn’t remember much from his days prior to being a reaper, and there really wasn’t much to tell about being a reaper. He took people’s souls and handed them off to someone higher than him. A different person for heaven and a different person for hell. They would take one trip per day to each respective place.

 

Wesley really enjoyed the making out. They would just spend hours lying in bed together kissing and running their hands over each other, and then just snuggling up together. 

 

It was the night of the second day after the kiss but it was actually the fifth night, and Wesley was lying wrapped in Will’s arms. The television was off, there was no music playing, they weren’t reading, and they weren’t talking. They were just being.

 

Wesley spent lots of time just hanging out and doing nothing, but this was so much better. This was a peace that Wesley had never known before. This was a happiness that Wesley had never known before. 

 

Will’s hand brushed against his cheek and Wesley realized that he had been crying. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize.”

 

“It’s okay. You have to live with the loss forever.”

 

Wesley nodded and fisted his hands in Will’s shirt, burying his face in Will’s neck. He had to get himself under control. He couldn’t let Will’s last days be burdened by his tears. He pulled away from Will and wiped the tears off of his face. “Okay. I’m good. Do you want to read or watch TV?”

 

“We can see what’s on.” He turned the television on and flipped through the channels. Wesley rested his head on Will’s chest and tried not to let his emotions overtake him again. He just focused on the warm body beneath him.

 

“I wish I could give you more before I go.”

 

“It’s okay. I’m more than happy with what we’re doing.”

 

Will hadn’t been able to get hard for the past few months and it had frustrated him that he couldn’t give Wesley more than kissing. He had offered to do things for Wesley, but Wesley didn’t think that it was fair so he had refused.

 

“But you’ve never experienced it before and now you never will. Well unless you find someone else who winds up being an exception.”

 

Wesley snorted. “I seriously don’t think that’s going to happen.”

 

“Maybe you should start roaming around with the living so that you can actually meet someone. Although I guess they would eventually die too. Shit. Sorry.”

 

“Let’s just not talk about this, Will.”

 

“Sure thing.”

 

They went back to watching TV, Wesley trying desperately trying to hold back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him again.

 

*****

This was their last full day together. Wesley hadn’t been given any souls to reap today. Somebody must have been keeping an eye on him. He was surprised that he was being allowed this luxury, though he supposed the fact that he would suffer eternally for this had something to do with what he assumed had been his boss’ decision.

 

“Do you think you’re up for taking a walk?”

 

“Yeah. I think I’d like that.”

 

It was a nice day out and they wandered around the neighborhood and to the park that Wesley had been to a couple of times already. They held hands as they walked around the park, eventually sitting on one of the benches overlooking the pond. Wesley curled up against Will’s side. They sat there quietly and watched the ducks swimming in the pond. It was chilly out though and soon Will was shivering.

 

“We should get you back to the house.”

 

“But it’s so nice out.”

 

“And you’re freezing.”

 

“Fine, fine, fine,” Will said with a sigh. He let Wesley take his hand and lead him back to the house.

 

“Are you ready for some lunch?”

 

Will nodded so Wesley fixed him a sandwich and a glass of soda and then joined him at the table.

 

“So do you know how it’s going to happen?”

 

“No. We never know that because it can always change.”

 

“Are you going to stay with me until it happens?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And then you’ll be the one taking my soul.”

 

“Will, do you really want to spend today talking about this?”

 

Will sighed. “No, I suppose I don’t.”

 

Will finished the rest of his sandwich and then they went upstairs to Will’s bedroom. It was becoming like a second home to him now. One that he was going to have to give up tomorrow. 

 

They curled up together on the bed, facing each other, just looking at each other. Will brushed some hair off of Wesley’s face and then cupped his cheek, gently rubbing his thumb back and forth. Wesley closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. 

 

Will leaned in and pressed their lips together in a chaste kiss, pulling Wesley even closer to him. Will curled his hand around Wesley’s neck and rested his forehead against Wesley’s. 

 

“I’m really tired but I don’t want to sleep.”

 

“Sleep, Will. We still have time. I’ll be here when you wake up, okay?”

 

Will scooted down the bed a bit so he could press his face into Wesley’s neck. Wesley wrapped his arms around Will and held him tight. He stroked Will’s back until his breathing evened out. He kissed the top of Will’s head and continued to stroke Will’s back.

 

With Will asleep, he let his tears fall silently. This was going to be harder than he had realized. He knew he had felt strongly about Will, but this past week had been incredible. He was pretty sure he was in love with Will and all that was going to happen was that he was going to lose Will. There was nothing he could do.

 

He wanted to run, but he couldn’t do that to Will. He closed his eyes and clung to Will, hoping he would wake up soon so that Wesley wouldn’t be alone with his thoughts.

 

*****

 

After Will had woken up from his nap, Wesley had read to him for a while and then they had just lain together for a while. 

 

Will had just finished his dinner and they were in bed together watching a movie. Wesley had his head resting on Will’s chest. He could hear Will’s heart beating.

 

Wesley scooted up and pulled Will onto his side, initiating a kiss. Will let out a quiet groan and Wesley took up the opportunity to deepen the kiss. 

 

They made out for a couple of hours, the clock moving closer to midnight. Will moved away from his lips and started trailing kisses over his jaw and his neck. He tried to move lower but Wesley pulled him back up. “Don’t, Will. We don’t need to do anything else.”

 

“Wesley, my time is almost up. Why won’t you let me do this for you?”

 

“Because I can’t do it for you. Don’t argue with me. Do you really want to spend your last hours arguing with me?”

 

Will pouted at him. “Spoil all my fun why don’t you.”

 

“Please don’t do this.”

 

Will let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Wes. It’s just… I know it’s only been a week but I have to tell you that I-”

 

Wesley held up a finger to Will’s lips. “Don’t say it.” Tears started leaking from his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just can’t, but I do too, if it helps.”

 

Will’s eyes started watering too. “I wish we had more time. I wish this wasn’t happening.”

 

The tears started falling freely down Wesley’s face. “Will, don’t do this. We can’t spend our last night like this.”

 

“Is there any chance I can see you after? How did you become a reaper?”

 

“Special circumstances. It won’t happen for you. This is it for us, Will. This is all we have.”

 

“What happens if you don’t reap my soul?”

 

“Someone else will then.”

 

“But what happens to you?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know of anyone who has ever refused before. I don’t know of anyone who has been in this situation before.”

 

Will let out a sob and kissed Wesley again. In some ways it hurt him worse to hear that Will wished they had more time together. It made Wesley think about what they could have if Will wasn’t dying or if Wesley was still human and had met Will the old fashioned way. It made Wesley think of a future that they couldn’t have. 

 

The tears started falling harder and he briefly opened his eyes to see that Will was crying harder too. Still they kissed, arms wrapped tightly around one another, unwilling to let go, unwilling to part for even a second. Not when it was so close to midnight. Not when Will was about to die.

 

This was everything he had never even known he wanted or needed. This was what humans searched for their entire lives. Will had found it at the end of his life. Wesley had never found it during his. He hadn’t been old enough. And now that he had found it, now that Will had found it, it was too late. Wesley clung to Will even harder.

 

*****

They had fallen asleep some time after midnight. They had made out and cried for the better part of the night. Wesley had been so happy and at the same time he had felt like he was the one dying. The ache inside of him had been intense.

 

His head was resting on Will’s chest. He had been awake for a few minutes when he realized that he couldn’t hear a heartbeat and that Will was cold. 

 

At least Will had died in his sleep. That was one small comfort.

 

Will’s soul was waiting for him. He breathed in, took the soul, and never felt more complete in his life. Will’s soul knew where it was, that it was inside of Wesley. It was happy being there, and Wesley felt warm and whole.

 

Giving up Will’s soul was going to be the breaking point for him. He wished he could keep Will’s soul inside of him forever. 

 

Wesley didn’t know much about sex, but there was no way it compared to this. He and Will were one person right now.

 

He sat in Will’s bed for a while, enjoying the feeling of having Will’s soul inside of him. He looked down at Will’s still form beside him. It hurt in so many ways that Wesley couldn’t even begin to describe it. The feeling of Will’s soul inside of him eased that ache though. He could happily reap souls for all eternity just like this. 

 

If Wesley didn’t go soon, he would be in trouble with his superiors. He didn’t know what it entailed. He only knew that all reapers avoided it if they could. With a sigh, Wesley kissed Will’s cheek and then blinked out of existence, reappearing in front of his boss. He didn’t approach him though.

 

“Wesley, I need the soul you carry.”

 

“I can’t. He’s happy here. I’ve never felt this before. I’m so warm and happy. I feel so complete.”

 

“His soul needs to go where it belongs. You know that.”

 

“It is where it belongs. He belongs with me.”

 

Wesley cried out, falling to his knees as Will’s soul was torn from him. He felt colder and emptier than he ever had in his entire existence, as a human and as a reaper. Wesley started crying right there in front of his boss. 

 

“Wesley, I can take the memories from you if you wish.”

 

Wesley shook his head. It didn’t matter that it would torture him for all eternity. He wouldn’t give up his memories of Will for anything. His job would be harder, his very existence would be harder, but for one perfect week he had it all. 

 

“The best thing for you to do is get back to work.”

 

Wesley let out a choked sob. “Why can’t I keep his soul? What harm would it do?”

 

“Wesley, there are things you will never understand. There are things that you can never know. It’s just how this works.”

 

“It’s not fair.”

 

“And you knew that when you got yourself involved. You have no one to blame but yourself.”

 

“That doesn’t make it any more fair.”

 

“Wesley, go back and do your job and get over this man.”

 

Wesley knew a dismissal when he heard one. He left and went to the park that was near Will’s house. He sat on the bench, hidden to all, and watched the ducks swimming around. 

 

No matter what, showing himself to Will had been the best decision he could have possibly made. As incredible as it was, Wesley had been in love with Will and Will had been in love with him. And as corny as it sounded, it was an eternal love. Wesley knew that nobody else would ever affect him the way that Will had. 

 

He only had a week’s worth of memories, but they made him smile and flooded him with warmth. He could do this. He could live out an eternity with just the memories of the most perfect week ever. He should really consider himself lucky. That was more than most people achieved in a lifetime.

 

*****

A couple of lifetimes had gone by. A couple of human lifetimes anyway. His memories of Will had never dulled. Some days were harder than others. Some days he wished he had a home where he could just bury himself under the covers and hide from the world.

 

It was raining out, but he wasn’t affected by it. He kneeled at the grave, hand resting on the ground. He came here often. He didn’t really know how things worked. He knew that he reaped souls and that they either went to heaven or hell. Being in heaven would mean being at peace. He didn’t know the specifics though. He always wondered.

 

Did Will still have memories? If he did, did he still remember Wesley? Was Will watching over him now? Did he know that Wesley visited his grave often?

 

He never dared ask his boss because he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answers. It was easier believing that Will remembered him and still loved him and watched over him. Sometimes it was the only thing that got him through his day.

 

He kissed his fingers and touched them to the gravestone. “Until next time, Will.”

 

The wind picked up then, rustling the leaves of a nearby tree. Wesley couldn’t hold back a smile. Yeah, he definitely believed that Will was watching over him.


End file.
